The Crunch

I know, it’s hard! and I can’t blame you. I feel it too… the crunch.

The homework crunch is a rare occasion that all highschool students experience in late april and early may. It is not to be confused with exam season that we (as lucky waterloo oxford students) get to experience in one segment instead of two, this can be saved for another time. The crunch is the time of year when teachers decide they want to send seemingly synchronised assignments. These are not just your run of the mill assignments, oh no, these are the 3000 word essays, the artistic presentations, the seminars and of course the ever popular essay-presentation-double-whammy.

Not only do these assignments cause massive amounts of stress on us (now more than ever with university hanging in the balance) but they leave noone to complain to. Adult look down on the highschool homework crunch because they had it “so much worse”. All of your friends aren’t good complaint candidates because they are in one of three sittuations. The first sittuation is the one you are in, they are dealing with the same stresses so they wont be able to offer condolences to your suffering. The second sittuation a teeneger could be in during the crunch is having it all done ahead of time; though it is unlikely that a student would take the initiative to actually complete the homework ahead of time it isn’t impossible. These friends are frustrating to talk to during your stressed time because they often respond with “you should have worked on it over march break” or “we’ve had that assignment for months” instead of actually understand your mental state. The third and possibly most dangerous friend to approach during the crunch is the slacker. We all have friends who just dont do assignments, taking many penalties during crunch time but can sometimes still appear to achieve good grades. This archetype is the most dangerous because the student that fits this category will often make you feel guilty about spending all of your time indoors cramming for the next test or polishing an ISU (Individual Students Under-achieving) essay. They will respond to your complaining with some dissambiguation of the phrase “Don’t worry about it”. This phrase is often fatel for the common stressing student.

To avoid these slackers during crunch time it is important to note that they dont always attend school (especially during crunch time). If you are suspicious of a friend being a slacker, check his attendance record or better yet just ask him about his attendance*, If a students responds to questions about their attendance with a nervous “none” or quite guilty looking “a few” then nothing is to worry, no self-respecting slacker would hide his list of bagged classes**.  Another way to spot the slacker is noting his total confidence, he always seems like he’s had enough sleep and he never does any homework during his spares***. Slackers will also publicly announce their lack of study on the day of any given test. These signs should help you identify a slacker but they may not save you from his lazy grasp.

Once taken in by a slacker your are seen as a project instead of friend. The slacker will do his or her best to make you into his or her idea of a happy person. They will often tell you that you are too stressed out and you need to relax more. They may even pressure you into drinking or drug abuse****. You should always respond to their efforts with a resounding no. It is not always an opportune time to hang out***** especially during the crunch. Slackers will sometimes need to learn the importance of homework and studying but it is not****** your job to try and change them from their slacking ways. Leave slackers too their own and return to your recent essay or math note.

Possibly one of the most crucial pieces of advice i could give to a student during crunch time is this: Relax, crack open a redbull and just put your pen to the paper. You’ll do all right.

* it is well known that slackers are not ashamed of their poor attendance record

** generally a ficticious list though some slackers may carry an absent class record sheet (printed from the secritaries at the attendance office) as they would carry a badge of honor.

*** of which he has an abundance (both homework and spares)

**** Gasp! Not drinking and drug abuse! oh what a world!

***** sometimes refered to as chilling, relaxing or the innovative; chillaxing

****** and I repeat IS NOT

Inspired by Gavin Tassier